Blog 2: Heal Self Heal Her

Growing up without my mother, I believe I suffered from abandonment issues or low self-esteem for sure. I was nine when she died. For the majority of those nine years I lived with my ‘Granny’ while my mom lived across town with my aunt. I never really knew why? I mean, I knew she was sick. Even so, I just couldn’t understand what kind of mother would leave her children? Then one day she was gone! Just like that. I was angry for a long time. I remember one night I overheard one of my cousins say, “She wouldn’t stop partying. People don’t die from TB anymore.” That left a huge stain on my heart! Why didn’t she just quit partying? Why didn’t she fight to stay with us? Hell with me! She didn’t have to die!! That single phrase stayed with me for over 30 years and still moves me to tears to this very day. Why wasn’t I good enough? I grew up with that thought tucked away in the back of my mind until the day the love of my life walked out on me, after 13 years. That’s when ALL those thoughts came rushing back. WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH?! Why do people that I love keep leaving me? It wasn’t until I sat in a classroom filled with 20-something young girls when this pretty little Caucasian girl – who had to be about 10 years old – with long black hair, read from her “truth is” exercise. She read, “The truth is my mom died the other day…” she paused, took a deep breath and tears began to well up in her eyes as she continued, “… and the truth is I don’t understand why?!” At that precise moment I understood why MY mom had to leave. For her! For THIS little girl whose heart was broken and who may also grow up thinking SHE wasn’t good enough. I WAS her! I walked over to her, got on my knees, looked her in her eyes and said, “Your mother loved you, always remember that. Some people come into your life to leave you. But please believe you MATTER! Look at me.” She held her face up, drenched in tears and I continued, “You matter!” She smiled and we shared a long embrace. I excused myself from the classroom, headed straight to the bathroom and had myself a good old nose blowing CRY. #HEALselfHEALher
Tina Ms Jazzi Nixon

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